Hopelessness, why???

What is it with the rash of suicides today? And why are they calling people hero when they this sort of devastating event? Why are they willing to leave a child or the ones they love to escape?

We have to look at it not from the religious sense but the selfish sense. We have to look at the socioeconomic and from an anthropological study.

In history suicide was common among the Romans. They had their gods. But their true god was material things. They felt their pride and their reputation was more important than  the people who lived around them and those who love them. Honor became a hold on your life. Without honor there is no life. Another group were the Japanese. That goes back to ancient times. The warriors who died on the battle field or comeback in spirit. And a group way before the Romans or the Japanese were the Spartans. Their mothers told their son if you comeback in defeat you comeback laying dead on your shield.

Today, the honor has been replace by self-esteem, pride, and excuses. You wonder why on the latter the word would be excuses.

Excuses, today people do not admit fault. They blame others. They blame being bully. They blame their parents. They blame their loneliness. And they blame hallucinogenic drugs. Until man takes responsibility for their actions they will be unable to face their fears. The main fear is the fear of facing the truth. What is that? That we are human. We are imperfect. We are all in our own world. We have created our own world to escape reality. And it all goes back the the history of Sparta, Rome, and Japan. They could not face their failures.

Have you ever thought that at this moment it is the end of the world today. I want to die. You failed a test. One of your fellow classmate revealed a secret about you. Someone was making fun of your short comings. You went bankrupt. You’re homeless. It’s beneath your dignity to….  And where does it all lead back to? Ridiculous pride. It is not only that you could not face your classmates; or you could not face your friends; or you can not face your country club. There is nowhere to run. Well guess what. The only thing you fear is fear yourself. Fear your own judgement. It is not fearing God’s wrath. Suicides in the eyes of the church is hell. What is hell? Hopelessness. God, like our parents love you unconditionally. Like a parent that does not mean you will not go unpunished. But in the end you are forgiven. Not because you failed. But because you face the truth and admitted you were wrong.

We all have those days when we want to end it all. But there is always tomorrow. Go to sleep. It won’t go away. But it will be a lot easier to face those demons. Because you gave God and yourself another chance.


Peace be with you.

Religion, who is truly the chosen Religion.

Today I have been reading lessons of St Augustine. Of the different apostles. Papers from the Council of Trent. Even studies of the topic is there such of place or state of purgatory. Teachings by Martin Luther I have even gone to. His rebellious charge against paid indulgences.

Do I judge the Catholic Church by the past and present sins? Or judge the Protestant faith switching for convenience? Excusing our sins based on that we cannot earn toward the gift of God. By only His grace can we attain heaven.

Tomorrow I am going to the United Methodist Church of Miramar for service. Usually I either go to St Bart’s or Catholic mass online. Why? Because I fear the wrath of God? I do love Him. But is it true love and not the fear of Him. Am I going to a different faith because one says you must confess your sins to another man? Or I just have to be sorry and tell that to God? Am I going to the Protestant faith because they are spontaneous in their celebration contrary to the Catholic Mass that I know by heart and I do not need a prayer book or the Bible to praise God. Just memorize the mass as if so what. It’s boring. I just go early in the morning just to get it over with. Does this insincerity damns me for my laziness?

When we look at religions we can not be the judge of which is right or wrong. Which is the true word of God.

I know one thing. God can’t say I am trying not to make my life right. I know I have compassion to my fellow man. I know that I know I am close to meeting my maker. And I know I can not take the sins and the hurts I caused other people in the past. Those are irreversible. I was the perfect instrument of destruction. And when my superiors gave me the task I did it well. After years of this I realize I was, like all others a person who did my job well and thorough. And was convinced that I did it for the betterment of the mankind.

I know for a fact one of my greatest mentors, Sister Agnes Marie, told me after I went to confession it is not important or meaningful if the priest forgives you for you sins in God’s mind. It is important to God the father that you must forgive yourself. Then you have peace.

No, you can’t earn Heaven. Only by God’s grace can you someday enjoy the fruits and gifts of Our savior because he gave his only son. And only then you can move forward to being kind and compassionate to your fellow man. And help others pick themselves up from the ruins cause by their sins and see the light.

God bless you. And pray for the salvation of all sinners.

Retirement, one year later

What have I done since I retired? I have witnessed one FIS World Cup Alpine Skiing World Championship in St Moritz. One Winter Olympic Games in Korea. In the middle of writing three books. Read twenty plus books. I am working on my six language. Speak Four fluently. And finally, as my mother wished for, I am learning to speak Spanish. Now maybe I can shock my fellow workers when I answer them in Spanish. “Oh you understand what I just told her? OMG.”  I have taken many hikes and walks. Worked as a volunteer in Surgical Services at West. And still I have so much time to fill. Like the Twilight books they had so much time that they had to keep busy to make it go by.

What is the point? If you are going to retire it is not only the finances you need to think of . It is the mental state that you must be in. What are you going to do with all that time?  And it can be a very lonely. The younger friends are still your friends. But they live in a different world.

I am in between. Too old for my younger friends. Who thinks “Poor guy, too old for us.” And the the senior citizens who are in their rockers and afternoon naps “What a show off. He’s too young for us. Can’t keep up with him. Not part of us.”

So you need to prepare yourself for a cataclysmic change in your life. Think before you retire. It took me six months before I got use to this new life. It can be very lonely. And an idle mind is is the devils workshop. Keep busy. The mind can play tricks on you. And can be very devastating.

FYI, I retired at right time. Too many changes.


What means to be a leader

Lessons to be learned by the past. Churchill was praying for storms to hold up D-Day. He prayed to spare their young boy’s lives. Now we have a President who is very excited in wasting our young boy’s lives in a war that would be more costly than any other war. This one thinks of the glory. Churchill thought of the humanity instead. I have been on this Earth soon to be 67 years. And I have yet to find any glory in the senseless destruction of young men’s lives. Just for an ego. A leader is not the one who pays for the glory. It is the family of those who are to be lost. 
So instead of being so sure of ourselves maybe we should listen to the ghosts of our past.

Growing old

Growing old is not golden. Not as to life. But the need to be needed. The young thinks it is their time to take over and put the previous out to pasture. But we are mentally not ready to be put out to pasture. We still need to have meaning. It is not easy to be useful and the next day be useless. 
The young needs to be compassionate to the elder. Not patronize them. But give them purpose. Use their wisdom. Their experience does make a difference. 
So when you see an elder person in the streets don’t think that poor old bastard. But think maybe they have something to offer in life. Maybe in the midst of so much babel there are some valuable good words coming out of them. And should not be thrown out like yesterdays old newspaper.


In memorium of 

Cindy, Birth February 23 1982 to Death April 12 2014

Christine, Death 2015

This is a series of true accounts in short story form of the lives of a team created by Jack and passed on to Tom. A group of scientist and engineers who chose to live a life of solitude to preserve the knowledge of their scientific research. 

The stories will not be in a chronological order. 
Bonner Idaho

Yogi and Boo Boo

It was early morning at the Bonner compound. A quiet place with a few exciting moments. Morgan is in her playful moods. And Cindy is looking through those big glasses. Staring down at Morgan with granny eyes. Both in their lab sitting across ready for one to say something. 
“Well….. Where is this surprise you keep talking about? That I will love. And Renee is traveling all the way from New Zealand”. Spouted Cindy. “Every time you have a surprise for me it’s trouble”, As Morgy was about to open her mouth to the little power tank, whom she called baby Tom walks in. “Hello hello”, shouts Tom. With a big smile of course. 
Cindy turned in her chair and smiled with suspicion. “Ahhhhh, my big baby”, Tom spoke with a smile. “What’s happening”? And kissed Cindy on the top of the head. Cindy had a stern look. “What’s up? You don’t just come up unscheduled. And you hate flying. It has to do with this surprise that Morgy is talking about”? As she said this Renee walked in. And behind her stood a little girl with beautiful blond curls. A face out of Annie. Cindy looked at the little girl and back to Renee. Very suspicious. Renee smiled at Cindy. Cindy started, “you have a daughter finally. So cute.” She called the Little one over. “What’s your name”? Renee answered Jenny. And she is three. The little one sat on Cindy’s lap. And twirled Cindy’s long hair through her fingers. She looked at Cindy with those big blue eyes. And touched her face. Cindy smiled. Renee spoke. “She’s not my daughter”. Waited a while and Cindy impatiently said AND……. Morgan spouted your half sister. Cindy looked down at the cute little one still staring up and touching Cindy’s face. And then looked to Morgan. “What did you do? You are always the center of trouble. My father and you!!!! No way”. She looked to Tom and Renee. Tom nodded yes. And his eyes rolled up. Cindy looked back down to the little one. And stuck her tongue at her. The little one did it back to her. Everyone laugh. But Cindy didn’t. Cindy asked little one you want to take a ride with me? She shook her head yes. Jenny started to get off when Cindy stopped her. “Stay. I give you the ride”. Cindy started to move toward the door. Gave a dirty look at Morgan. “We’ll talk later”.  And continued to ride by. On the way they came upon Christine who said, “Interesting”. And looked down at the new guest. The little one held tight to Cindy. And hid her face. Cindy laughed. “This is Christine. And she loves little girls like you”. Christine padded the head of the little one. 

Renee in the other room look inquisitive at Tom. “What do you think? Will she figure this out”? Tom replied, “she will. She may be our baby. But she is smarter than all of us”.

While in the kitchen Christine made a sandwich for the little one. Jenny watched her closely. While Cindy watched her even closer. And smiled. “Who is your mommy”?  Christine asked. The little one responded Mommy. Cindy laugh. “Where is your mommy”? Asked Cindy. She pointed to the other room. “Can you take me to your mommy”? Little one nodded her head yes. They followed and went right to her mommy, Morgan. Jenny with a big smile and open her arms to be picked up. Morgan picked her up and said, my baby….. And laugh. Cindy’s eyes rolled as she looked over to Christine. Tom was amused. Morgan turned to Cindy and asked where does she sleep? Cindy with an evil grin on her face, “between your legs where you know what”. Cindy turned around and went back to her lab. Christine just swung her arms up and shook her head and followed. 
Cindy called from the lab, TT. Tom look at Morgan and told her she needs to go to her room with the baby and stay out of Cindy’s way. Tom walked in and Cindy looked at him and asked the obvious question. Whose baby is she?
Your father? Tom responded. “Are you surprise”? Cindy gave one of her disappointing looks, “No.
So what’s next”? Asked Cindy. “The baby is about three years old. Right TT”? As Tom was about to say something Jenny walked into the lab. Tom turned and smiled back at Cindy. And left the lab. The baby look up at Cindy. Took her hand and said Sissy. And smiled. Cindy smiled back while thinking, Great. As she look down the baby climb up on her lap. Cindy look at baby and asked where her mommy was. Jenny put her hands together and closed her eyes. Cindy smiled. “You’re my sweet baby sis. But lets not tell your mommy. Ok”? Jenny nodded yes and smiled. As Cindy look at her and played with her hair jenny yelled with great exclamation BEAR! Cindy turned around and on their porch there was a large grizzly bear. Christine ran in with her rifle. Cindy looked over. Jenny turned toward Christine and ran to her. Yelled NO. Christine responded, “Oh no, I won’t hurt it. But you must promise that you never try to open these doors. The windows are bullet proof. And the bear can not come through them. Here, hold my hand and sit with me by the window”. With a little hesitation she went with Christine and sat on her lap on the floor. Jenny turned her head back and looked up at her and said BIG. “Yes bear is big”. Cindy smiled and rolled her eyes. Linda had her camera and was snapping away the moments. Cindy just shook her head in disbelief. Linda look toward her. Cindy just stuck out her tongue. Morgan walked in and laugh, “jealous”. And smile. Cindy ignored her. So as the two, Jenny and Christine, watch the bear, it came to the window and put its nose right on the window. Jenny covered her face. “Don’t be afraid”, Christine soothed her. She put the finger of the baby on the pane on the nose. She giggled. And said BEAR with such exuberance that almost toppled Cindy out of her chair. Jaime caught her. Morgan laughed. And stuck her tongue out. Cindy just crinkled her nose. Tom just shooked his head. “Babies raising a baby”. Renee smiled and told Tom this is a family made in heaven. Tom agreed and smiled. And Renee gave him a hug. Tom looked at her. He said, “do you remember when you live on our ranch in New Zealand. You were that small. But you were more daring”. Then baby gave out another yelp. TEETH. Christine replied, “yes, teeth. And he is old”. Jenny responded WHY!. “His teeth are warned down. He chews on fatty legs like yours”. Christine giggle with her. 

New life has been brought into this house of death. It was the first time Cindy, or anyone laughed in their house since the death of her mother and father. Morgan looked at Christine and baby. Then to Cindy. And Cindy gave a thumbs up.
“See what I said”, Tom looking at Renee. “Baby took Cindy’s heart and wrapped her around her little finger. Someday you will see them inseparable”. Renee smiled and winked at him. 

As the afternoon progressed everyone’s attention was on the baby. They took turns in holding her on their lap. It was like having a new toy for Christmas. “So Renee how are the boys”, asked Cindy. “Great, misbehaving as usual”, Renee smiling. 

Linda came in with Jaime towards dinner time. Jaime tall, scary and tough. “We were checking the West ridge. Saw a mother and her cubs heading toward us”. Cindy smiled at baby. “Now you will see some babies. You’ll like that”. “Can I touch them”, asked Baby. Tom intervened, “absolutely not”. Baby pouted. Cindy interjected. “You can touch the window. They love to put their noses to the window. Think of us being in a zoo. And all the animals comes to visit us”. Morgan sarcastically and smiling, “and watch us do tricks for them”. Christine laugh and answered, “city folks”. Baby looked outside the window with anticipation.
After a while Baby fell asleep. Throughout the night Cindy rolled in and watch her sleep through the night. Christine walked in. “She hooked you in. Cindy looked up and said, you can’t resist her innocence”. Christine laughed. “She will be running the house”. 
The next morning Cindy was in her bed. And in her face was a big smiling little child. Cindy jumped. Startled. And Baby gave her a big kiss on the forehead. Christine sitting by the window looking at the Idaho sunrise. “She has been waiting for you and staring at you for hours. Just like her sister, persistent. That’s something that Morgy would do”. Renee came in and saw them both in bed. And remarked, “and I was worried about you two getting along”. She laughed. “Jenny, give your sister some private time. She needs to be bathed and dressed”. Baby hopped out of bed and ran to Renee. And flew into her arms. “She’s loving”.
Renee brought Jenny out. And Jenny asked, “can I walk like sis”? Renee looked at her with great surprise, thought, and said. “Your sis is special. You see your uncle walks with a stick. Do you want a stick to walk”? Jenny shook her head no. Renee look at her with a loving smile and said”, he has a boo boo. You like me pulling you in a red wagon”? Jenny shook her head yes. “Do you like to ride the wagon all the time instead of walking”? Jenny again shook her head no. Renee looked at her and said, “sis has a boo boo too. She never gets to walk by herself. She has to roll around in her red wagon all the time”. Jenny looked at her puzzled. “When sis is big she will walk”? (In her baby talk). “Sis is already big. When she was like you she’d run and play. But they both got a boo boos and now they each walk a special way. They are special. You love special people”? Jenny shook her head yes. Jenny looked at her and asked, “is daddy a special person? You say when I look up I see daddy”. Renee teared up. “Yes he is a very special person. He has wings. An every night he is watching over you and loves you. Then when sis is awake she will watch over you. And even your uncle”. Jenny eyes opened wide and said GRAMPS. Renee smiled and said yes, GRAMPS.

This would become a relationship made in heaven.